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Wednesday, May 11, 2016

I don't understand why

Why is it so important for so many people in the D/s, FLM, BDSM, Fetish worlds (and frankly all other areas of life) to ask others to define for them, the boundaries they should fit within.  On Fetlife (you should come visit me there - listed as subhubphx), in nearly every "group" I am a part of, a never ending stream of questions comes through asking others to define how they or someone they are with should behave or act or feel.  I get it, beginners have a never ending desire to "do it right". 

It happens here too at times.  I'll get the occasional comment or email from someone that will ask my why I am not doing this or that, like every other submissive husband does.  For example, I occasionally her from an anonymous "Mistress" that contiguously complains to me that until Mistress K. requires me to consume every bit of ejaculate that comes from my body, I am not truly a submissive husband.  She even goes on to suggest that if Mistress K. doesn't like that, or want me to do it, she isn't a "true" Mistress.  Others have contacted Mistress K. or myself asking to be included in our kinks, as if it is a foregone conclusion that Mistress K. is some kind of leather-clad Mistress  who is constantly on the prowl for misguided and unattached submissives out there (male and female).  Others somehow believe that because her husband is her submissive, that her sexual needs aren't being met and that perhaps she may not even know it, and of course they are more than happy to satisfy those unmet sexual needs.  I even got an email from someone that lives locally, a submissive man, informing me that he had just sent Mistress K. an email asking for her permission to "date" me.  As if that was, again, some kind of foregone conclusion that such a thing was even possible. 

I understand that people, when they are immersed in their kink thoughts, have certain hopes, dreams and expectations, and for the most part, most people are very courteous when making those assumptions about us.  One of the misconceptions is  ....  Because I am a submissive husband to my beautiful, sexy redheaded Goddess Mistress Wife, that I am also a submissive in other areas of my life.  Well, I'm not.  In fact, I am an unabashed dominant in every aspect of my life except for one, and I think we all know what that is.  I am dutifully at the ready to participate in pretty much any activity that Mistress K. might find enjoyable, within our already known limits.  She and I have talked through our likes, dislikes, preferences, soft limits and hard limits and we pretty much stick to those things because, well, that's how Mistress K. wants it. 

In my dedicated servitude to Mistress K., I realize that there is relatively very few things I wouldn't do for her if she were so inclined.  If Mistress K. were to ever change her mind and say, require that I consume my ejaculate .... I wouldn't like doing it.  Not at all.  However, I would do it dutifully and happily because I would be required to do it, and only because it would be something that she would then find pleasurable.  There are plenty of aspects of servitude in my role as a committed, collared, and dutiful submissive husband that I do that I would never (in a million years) do (or accept) on my own and outside the realm of our singular and monogamous relationship. I don't much like being responsible for all of the dirty dishes in the house.  I wouldn't wear panties if I wasn't told to do so by Mistress K.  I would never, ever allow someone o punish me by spanking my ass red until it hurts.  I would never, ever kneel naked before someone and profess my adoration and love for them.  All of those things (and may others) happen frequently, and for one reason and one reason only .... because the one person in the world that I have committed my gift of submission to, likes it. 

Conversely, there are plenty of things in the FLM lifestyle that I would love to do, or do more often.  In the past, Mistress would constantly hear about may of those because of my incessant asking or cajoling (topping from the bottom).  Mistress K. put an end to that behavior early on by simply demanding that I understand that one of the core tenants of our mutual commitment to each other is that is is NOT at all about what I want, but simply and only about what she wants.  When it is all said and done, I am either able to get my ultimate source of pleasure by seeing to it that Mistress K. gets her pleasure (in whatever way she sees fit), or I am not.  If I am not, then the basic ingredient of our FLM would be a lie. 

I recently read a story on Literotica that made the point very clear.  I can't find it again, otherwise I would direct you to the story.  I won't bore you with the details, but briefly, it was a story about a married couple that was living a FLM.  The Mistress wife in the story eventually evolved into wanting to take additional lovers, essentially cuckolding her husband.  Not something I would want at all, but for him, and his relationship with his Mistress wife, it was acceptable.  During one of her trysts with her lovers, a man that dominated her sexually while in his presence, he assumed that simply because it was ok for him to fuck his wife, it would also be ok for her husband to suck his cock.  In the story, the wife's lover instructed the husband to come to the bed and suck his cock clean after he was finished with his wife.  The husband walked over, completely and utterly demonstrated to her wife's lover that he had no right, no capacity to suggest or demand any such thing from him.  When the woman's lover continued to attempt to dominate the husband, the husband drug him to the ground, completely immobilized him with force and informed him that his participation with his wife in the future was over and for him to get his clothes and "get the fuck out of here".  That he did not accept instructions from anyone other than his wife and that his servitude was only to her.  In the absence of any instructions from his Mistress Wife to perform with him sexually, it simply wasn't gong to happen and that just because his wife had agreed to submit to the man sexually, it did NOT mean that he would as well.  I almost literally cheered out loud for the man.  For his Mistress Wife, it was a supreme demonstration of her submissive husband's willingness to make her happy and a such, loved him and respected him that much more. 

Folks, we are all different and as such I believe that if each of us didn't depend so much on others interpretation or "definition" of how each of us should behave or what we might be required to "accept" in our respective lives, we'd have so much less unhappiness and so much more joy in what it is we do.  Be that in the world of kink or life in general.


38 comments:

  1. I could go on forever about my opinions on this subject :) But I'll just say a few things:

    -I believe people, in general, dislike change.
    -I believe people want and need rules to make sense of themselves and the world around them.
    -I believe acceptance of "the other" is difficult for many people. Many people can't identify with people that are very different from themselves so they try and pull others towards their way of acting or thinking.
    -I believe that most people define themselves in a certain way and believe that all people should do the same (sub, dom, straight, gay, bi, etc.).

    IMO people are interacting with you in the ways that you describe because they are trying to shove you and yours in to a box that doesn't fit their idea of "how things should work" and/or they wish they had what you have and are jealous.

    This post is very different than most of your posts and I really appreciate that you brought up this situation. This kind of thing happens all the time in the kinky world and the vanilla world. I applaud you for resisting the attempts of others to coerce you in to being one way or another. You should be free to be you (whatever that means) and not be labeled as one thing and not another by people.

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    1. Thanks for your support anonymous. It isn't much a problem for me/Us that people live their lives confined to a need to be defined. It's more of an annoyance than anything else. I generally enjoy the attempts at coercion because like I said, most people are courteous about it and seem geuinely interested. My usual reaction to what I hear/read/see is "why does it matter?"

      Thanks again for stopping by.

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  2. Good post..I agree it's just words..My wife would rather have me say that I'm her supportive husband and that I'm more passive and she is a strong willed woman .It all ends up being the same. R R

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    1. Thank you my friend. "My wife would rather have me ...." is all that ever needs to be said.

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  3. Great post! I agree, that you do what works for you and your Mistress and it is perfectly ok that others prefer something different.

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    1. Thanks so much ancilla_ksst ..... It is perfectly ok what we do together

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  4. Great post. I remember reading something once along the lines of "I'm not A sub, I'm HER sub". That phrase works perfectly for me too.

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    1. Bear ... that may be the most profound thing I've ever heard. You've summed up in very few words what took me forever to get out. Thank you buddy!

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  5. A very good post. I think we all like to know "where we fit", but that is indeed a big difference in "needing to fit" or "making others fit our way".
    I can't help it but, I find someone telling you that your wife should do this or that pretty silly. After all, she's your Mistress and she makes her own decisions. I know that is how it works here.
    Again, I enjoyed the post.

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    1. Thanks so much DLsKnight. Hope all is well with you!

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  6. Great post sub hub, people do want yo label others and put people in boxes, I think it's a way of trying to understand each other. Ttwd is unique to each couple and each couple does what is right for them.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. You are so right Roz, and thanks for the love! I see it everywhere in life .... people struggling to fit in somewhere, anywhere and it is the instinct of so many to ask others to define for them what they need to do to fit in. Unnecessarily sad in my opinion.

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  7. WOW!!!!!! you don't post often anymore sub hub but when you do they are great. I love learning from you and others I love asking questions to get feelings from others. I may ask if they do this or that ONLY find out their feelings. Many of us are into the same thing but each do it a little different and that is great. Thanks for the wonderful post my friend.
    archedone

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    1. Hi archedone .... Asking questions of eaqch other is great. I love to do it to, but I do it because I have a genuine interest in the person, people, group that I am connecting with, and not so I can ask them to define my lifestyle. True, I'm very much inspired by some of the things I see and hear, and if they float my boat, I'll implement them (or ask Mistress to).

      I wish I was able to post frequently than I do now. Life takes us where it takes us, and where it has taken me is to BUSY land. Hope all is well with you buddy!

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  8. Wonderful post....we each go about this differently, that is because we are all different. We each strive to find what works for our partners and ourselves....and since we are all different, our 'kink' is uniquely ours. hugs abby

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    1. Thanks abby, and yes that is true. Our individual, unique lifestyles are something to be celebrated for sure. Not only that, openly shared, much like you and other people I have come to admire and love do. And< I welcome new people to join the conversation and become a part of my life .... Obviously there are some exceptions but everyone I know in my kink life (here and on FetLife) are super nice, super supportive and dear friends of mine .... even though I have never met them.

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  9. Love your thoughts SHIP. The question might be, what makes a relationship female led? There are many, many answers to that question. We all think just a bit differently and thank goodness for that! It's perfectly fine for a person to think that THEIR sub must consume his ejaculate but to think that ALL subs should is just wrong. It's self centered and short sighted. Variety is the spice of life they say.

    I enjoy every fork in the road of my blossoming FLM. I try to put my preconceived notions aside as Queen J structures us from her own unique perspective. One that is completely driven by her and not what the internet tells her. Of course she does take my needs and desires in to account, but they are implemented as she feels they should. Something that works for us and solidifies our Dom/sub relationship.

    I too am submissive to only her. Our children see my reverence and conformity to her but my firm presence is still needed in the home and elsewhere. My wife needs this. Work, home, kids, a FLM... that's a lot to deal with. The kids alone are entirely overwhelming at times. She needs my help and strength. She gets it, all of it.

    We get away from our dynamic for a while at times but it's always present in the background. But it's OUR'S and it very special and unique to both of us. We wouldn't have it any other way.

    Thanks for the great post and for indulging my lengthy comment!

    sublove

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    1. sublove, I can't tell you how much I enjoyed this comment. Thank you so much. I completely and utterly agree with your comment ... "
      I enjoy every fork in the road of my blossoming FLM. I try to put my preconceived notions aside as Queen J structures us from her own unique perspective. One that is completely driven by her and not what the internet tells her. Of course she does take my needs and desires in to account, but they are implemented as she feels they should. Something that works for us and solidifies our Dom/sub relationship."

      For me, it is the absolute essence of what a (our) FLM needs to be. Yes there are things that I would prefer to go diffently, but in the end, if that is all that matters, isn't me that would be leading and not her? I would yes, and that's not then a true FLM.

      Thank you again for your wise words.

      SHIP

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  10. Just wanted to write and say that I loved this. Everyone else has already made the points that I wanted to add, but I think this is very true. I don't need to define myself or my relationship with Sir to anyone. It's ours.

    Rye

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    1. Thank you my dear. I totally agree with you.

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  11. I have been led to this blog via Under contract to my wife and am very pleased to come across it. I think that people should sometimes keep their opinions to themselves, your own parameters are what matters.

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    1. Thank you so much for the kinds words Lapsedcatholic, and welcome to my blog. I hope to see you around often. I especially appreciate you taking the time to comment. Thank you.

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  12. Great post.. and of course, you're certainly right!! Too crazy how people want you to live their fantasies! Thanks, sara

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    1. Thanks sara. Soo good, as always to see you!

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  13. SubHub, you always have the most stimulating posts. Thank you for working through many of the FLM issues and sharing your thoughts. It has elicited lots of excellent replies that touch on much that I was thinking. Those of us that live in FLM find a peace there that is unique. How it works for each of us is all that really matters.

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    1. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kind words Penny. Thank you as always for sharing them. So nice to "see" you!

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  14. Like it or not, people’s thoughts affect me, even strangers. I know they shouldn’t, but they do. That’s just human. We care about other people’s thoughts, even strangers’. I don’t think it’s good or bad per se. Strangers’ thoughts don’t run my life, but I don’t pretend my feelings toward them are not there either. They can make me happy, or unhappy, but I don’t get them blown out of proportion. Sometime I think I’m happier because I care others’ ‘interpretations.’ I think it’s ok to for me to admit that I care about strangers’ acceptance. I’m not miserable because of it. I can make it work and make it happy for me.

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    1. I totally get what you mean Her Subject. Somewhere, deep down, we hear what they say. We care what they say. They don't run my life either but we do hear them. I guess my hope is that people can discover on their own that when on an adventure, it isn't necessary to follow a map given to them by someone else.

      Thanks for the comment!

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  15. May I ask when the decision was made for you to thoroughly embrace this lifestyle? I have discovered sex in the past year I mean really discovered it and wanted my husband to accompany me on my journey, unfortunately all attempts failed but I am looking to direct him towards a submissive lifestyle and therefore am reading avidly.

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    1. Hello my new friend. Thank you for the comment. For me/Us, it was I that approached Mistress K. and asker her to assume the Dominant Role in our marriage, and to accept my total submission.

      I didn't come to that decision lightly. One day she had made a small joke when we were with our close frinds, questioning whether or not any of us would still be close, in love as lovers and compatible as husband and wife after our children left the next.
      That got me thinking. I adore this woman and I didn't want to risk the mundane life merely raising children to allow for the passion in our lives to disappear somehow. I reaseached FLM, and though long and hard about whether or not this would be for us. I cam to the conclusion that the constant adoration for my wife (which I love doing) would be something that she would appreciate and would bring us closer.

      We had both been kinky prior to our FLM. We'd play BDSM roles and would each assume a Dom/Domme role and a submissive role from time to time. I knew that even though I enjoyed the Dom role, I preferred the sub role with her.

      I mustered up the courage and asked her. She agreed and here we are ... happier than we ever thought possible. Most of our journey is depicted in various posts throughout this blog if you are interested. Including the period leading up to, and the ceremony that we had to officially consummate our lifestyle. She collared me in front of an officiant.

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    2. Oh thank you for the wonderful reply. Very informative and thought provoking. I admire your direct approach, I toyed and am toying with this idea but alas the plan is not being implemented smoothly

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  16. Hi SHIP,
    This was a great post, and to me the notion that Mistress K is not a proper Mistress (whatever that might be) is laughable at best. I agree, people do need guidance to a point, but at the end of the day whatever feels right to Mistress K IS by definition 'doing it right'.
    Consuming your ejaculate does make you feel submissive (or it certainly does me) and that's why I like being told to do it. But if it doesn't appeal to Mistress K then the idea that she SHOULD do it, so that she fits in with the internet's value system... well, it hardly shouts 'dominant' to me.
    I sometimes wonder if these people apply the same rules to every kink, I mean what about 'sploshers' (I think that's what they are called), I mean, is there a 'correct' way to sit on a cake? Or maybe there are rules about which kind of custard you can pour down your pants?
    That sure is an unusual story you found on Literotica by the way, can't say that I've come across that one.
    Robert Anthony

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    1. Hey old buddy. Nice to see you again and thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it as always! I completely agree with your comments and appreciate your support.

      I guess that's why I never got into sploshing .... I was afraid I would do it wrong. *smile

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    2. Never mind sploshing, what about that balloon sex thing - that's a nightmare! Colours and shapes!
      RA

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  17. I think it is brilliant your outlook and your compromises. No one should dictate the relationship between you two, only you two can do that. Mistress appears to be in control of the situation yet I totally agree with the Literotica tale, that was out of order and I cheered when I read that he had been taken down. I have recently discovered your blog from a link from another blog I was directed too. I find it exceedingly interested and am slowly ploughing through it. Thank you

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    1. I'm so glad you're here. I hope you enjoy what you see and as you plow through it

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