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Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Are you truly submissive?

Those words kept rolling on a loop in my head in the very beginning.  When I first decided to approach Mistress K. with the idea of living in a Female Led Marriage.  It was imperative for me that we live an ACTUAL FLM and not just one were one party or the other yielded to the other's kink.  Temporary yielding to the other's kinks is and can be fun of course, but it's not the same thing as really, truly, living it 24/7.

On more than one occasion I have drawn to a blog post on Mistress Ivey's blog.  It is an excellent blog and I recommend it to anyone, submissive or dominant.  Her most recent blog post is title "Are you Truly Submissive?", and speaks directly to this.  You can see the post here:


There are plenty of people that seek the temporary kink aspects of FLR//FLM/Female Dominance.  I get that and have no trouble with them for that.  I even support those that are just simply not "real" in their quest for an FLM but lie to themselves and their partner about it in order to continue to receive the kink.  I get that with them too and I fully support anyone's idea of kink, whether they understand it completely or not.

This blog post from Mistress Ivey spoke to me on two levels.  One, it uses the words I sometimes stumble to find when trying to explain why we are in this relationship at all, and two;  My biggest fear, biggest nightmare scenario would be for one of us to wake up one day and wonder, "are you truly submissive" ... or worse "are you truly dominant".

20 comments:

  1. I also follow Mistress Ivey's blog. And I did read todays post. What she said is very true. A true FLR is just that. You serve at her pleasure and your pleasure is giving her pleasure. You will have a climax when she wants you to and if she desires to edge you then she will. A Mistress will also discipline when she feels it's needed. A true submissive husband puts her pleasure before his and truly enjoys giving her pleasure even if it leaves him horny.
    archedone

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    1. I believe if a so-called submissive exists in a relationship (male or female) solely for the purpose of keeping his/her kink satisfied, the relationship is doomed. There has to be trust. There has to desire. There has to be love. I have committed to give my wife the pleasure in life that she wants, seeks and deserves. Not my idea of pleasure, but actual pleasure. The kind that she may not even know she wants. If my wife can exist with the knowledge that I will be there to help her achieve that pleasure, that in and of itself is a source of pleasure.

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  2. Hey, thanks for the interesting link, i felt like it was a very worth while read and since sent the link to S (My wife)

    Thanks again

    C

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    1. I did the same thing. I sent the link to my Mistress too. Thank you for stopping by and commenting.

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  3. Your title caught my eye...maybe 6 or 7 years ago, i asked Master that question. He was taken aback, but i was serious. I cannot remember what He said....but i do think we might all ask ourselves this question, at times.
    hugs abby

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    1. I agree abby! Thank you as always for coming by.

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  4. This post struck something in me with the struggles I've been having this last week.. thank you for sharing. xx

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    1. I'd love to hear exactly what it struck in you sweetie.

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  5. You implicitly presuppose that being "submissive" and taking part in a FLR are the same thing and that this is in contrast with a mere "temporary kink". In my own life, I think that contrast is too stark and (if you'll excuse the expression) simplistic. I have a lot of struggles with this because it's only in the past few years that I've begun to realize that I do "need" to submit to my wife (after decades of never having imagined that I'd feel that way at all). After a lot of stumbling along the way, I've managed to convey to my very vanilla wife how I feel. She understands in the abstract, I think, but I'm also pretty sure that doing to me the sorts of things that would "satisfy" my inclinations is really contrary to her nature.

    Now, do I want a full-scale FLR? No, I don't think so. Apart from anything else, I take charge of a lot of things, and I don't really see much point in changing. It's also been the case for years that there are times when my wife is doing things that she'd be better off not doing, and I've told her so. (E.g., when she's exhausted after a long day and I have to insist that she go to bed early.) So, I guess that's not at all "submissive", and I don't really see any point in changing that, since when I "tell" her what to do, it's always for her own good and because I can see that she really wants me to "take care of her" in matters like this.

    And yet, I strongly feel the urge to subordinate myself to her, to do whatever she wants to make her life better and easier. I've tried to take over a number of tasks around the house and to explain how it makes me feel "content" to do these things. All she has to do, I tell her, is to tell me what she'd like to have done and I'd be glad to do it. It's a win-win situation, with her life easier and me made mentally content. And yet she basically feels guilty in asking me, and certainly won't be "demanding" about it (as I've tried to suggest, without doing too much "topping from the bottom").

    And added to this is the sexual element, which I guess you would characterize as my "kink". I really want to subordinate my sexuality to hers, to do anything to please her. I also want to express my submission by worshipping her feet, and it would also make me feel accepted by her if she could see her way to chastising me physically. And since this all comes from me, and is, I think, quite contrary to her nature (serves me right for falling in love with her because she's kind and helpful to everybody!), it all comes from my needs.

    So, what is a submissive to do in trying to get his "needs" fulfilled when they aren't really something that comes naturally to the one who has to treat him in this way? It's hardly "submissive" to say, "I need you to do X, Y and Z", yet without saying that, there is no possibility of submission. I've heard people say, "Well, you just have to be nice to her all the time and not worry about your own desires." If only it were that easy! Certainly, I do try to act like that, but it becomes very frustrating to have these urges towards submission and not get any such treatment. I don't know why it's the case that to (my own, at any rate) submissive mind, the infliction of pain by the object of one's affections is a sign of acceptance, but there it is.

    Anyway, I apologize for writing at such length here. I'm sometimes consumed by feelings of inadequacy in bringing all this turmoil to my poor wife, but God knows I didn't ask to feel this way, and the post here made me think about this situation that I struggle with all the time. Sorry if I've been rambling.

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  6. "...doing to me the sorts of things that would "satisfy" my inclinations..."

    I believe that for many people, this very concept is a genuine source of conflict. It's absolutely indicative of how important it is that the subs "needs" are met in order to satisfy some predetermined idea of success in a D/s relationship. I guess my thought is simply that if the sub can be absolutely from for the feeling that their "needs" are a primary concern, then they would have the capacity to genuinely obtain actual pleasure from the service they provide to their dominant.

    Like any relationship, each party must do those things that stimulate the love, devotion and attractiveness of the other ... even in a D/s relationship. Telling my wife to go to bed because it is clear that she is tired is not an indication that we don't live in a true FLM. We have the ability to communicate with each other, even tell each other what to do ... out of concern or love and not just because I may feel like exercising my "dominance" from time to time.

    If I'm going to "make" her go to bed, let's say, it doesn't change the fact that she still decides when or even if I may have an orgasm. or she may decided that may behavior is such that I need to present my naked bottom for a punishment. Even if I have made her go to bed, it doesn't change that dynamic.

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  7. Hi sub hub, I think everybody wonders about such a question sooner or later, and I guess it might be when everyay life strikes. Maybe I do not want to get up first every morning while my husband and Master can still be in the warm and cozy bed. Nevertheless, I think it is normal to have those moments when we do not feel submissive, But in the end, submitting is what feels best, doing as told, pleasing hubby, getting a smile for it, and deriving pleasure from that. I have the feeling that I know my place, a very good one, feel safe, loved and appreciated. The way you write about your relationship with your Mistress shows that you have similar feelings, experience your relationship in a similar way like I do experience the one that I have. Great question, thank you for giving me food for thought.

    hugs

    Nina

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    1. Thanks Ni Na. We all go through it. There are certainly ties when we'd rather do something other than what is expected of us from our Dominants. We may even openly resist. We submissives certainly that the option to do that. Of course doing so has it's consequences of which I don't even want to consider.

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  8. Hi sub hub, this is an interesting post and great food for thought. Thank you for sharing this with us.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, thank you for being here. I so much appreciate it that you take the time to say nice things.

      XOXO

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  9. This could be a great big splitting of hairs for pedantic arguments.

    Still, does someone need to be 100% submissive to have a happy relationship? No. Hell no. If one wants their partner to be 100% submissive, then perhaps they do, but, knowing all about submissiveness and dominance, I find almost all people judge their submissiveness on a scale - and rarely do people actually find themselves at the very end of that scale. They're usually somewhere in between.

    I know that my Mistress would not someone 100% submissive. She does not want a doormat. She does not want someone who will simply roll over on all things. After all, she wants some challenge. She wants some measure of game to play. And pushing me to do better, to get more in line with what she wants is part of what she likes. And I want her to push me, to make me better, to make me do some things that I might not want to, because it improves other parts of me.

    And that.. that's a good thing. For us. And that might not be for everyone. And that may not be your kink. Or that person's kink. Or that person's. And that's okay. Kink your own kink. ;)

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    1. Hi John. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a well thought out and appropriate comment.

      No ... someone does not need to be 100% submissive to be happy in their relationship. Trying to define what is normal, or expected, or acceptable or usual, by asking other people how it's supposed to work, is one of my biggest pet peeves when communicating with some people in this little thing we love to do. There are many people here that i consider my friends that absolutely don't do this in their own lives, and as such they are the happiest.

      My Mistress doesn't a 100%, always submissive doormat either. I'm a business owner with a lot of responsibility and am alpha in every aspect of my life, except for my wonderful marriage to my beautiful Mistress Wife. neither of us has concerned ourselves with what others may define as an acceptable way to conduct ourselves. We consider our FLM as a relationship with an acknowledged exchange of power, yes, but it's a journey toward our ultimate goal and that is a natural, loving marriage. We both recognize that her being in control of our lives, my sex, my body ... allows for a natural environment for a constant deepening of our love for each other.

      Is Mistress K. truly a dominant? Maybe .. maybe not. Am I a true submissive? Sometimes I absolutely am and those times are when my marriage is concerned. We don't need to define that by adhering to someone else's interpretation of whether or not what My Mistress Wife and I have is true, real, normal, or whatever. We are on a journey to discover our path, wherever that may take us ... or rather, wherever she may lead us.

      For example, I have a sometimes commenter (Mistress A.) that will stop by occasionally "remind" me that Mistress K. should require me to consume all of my ejaculate as the one standard that defines whether we are "real" or not. She says it a friendly, tongue-in-cheek way and I know that she is not actually questioning the validity of our relationship, and that she is just trying to be helpful and friendly in her own way. The fact is that Mistress K. has no desire for me to do that because she thinks it is gross (whew!). That fact does not diminish the authority she has over me and our marriage. It's how we do it and it's wonderful.

      Thanks again John. Your words are very thought provoking and very much appreciated.

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  10. I think the key is to have the same level of interest. If both parties (or all parties) are into more of the kink, so be it. But it can never be beneficial for one to be into it and the other not. The bond between a Domina/Dom and Her/His sub, is just as deep, complex, and intimate as between any other pair. If one party isn't enjoying it or not in the moment it's harder for them to appreciate an important aspect of how that person acts out their intimacy. So while slight variations will always occur, such a severe imbalance can hardly produce a long term, happy, healthy relationship. That's just my opinion. Nice post! Love the blog!

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    1. Thank You Ms K. I happen to completely agree with your opinion! Thank you for the kind words and for stopping by.

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  11. In the M/s community there is a Master writer and presenter named Raven Kaldera. He speaks in terms of understanding the extent to which someone's submission is transactional (because it gets them something), devotional (extent to which is it idiosyncratic to the Person served), and positional (core to self identity, irrelevant Whom they serve). I find thinking of it this way is very helpful and takes away the judgement around whether people are doing their relationships Right. My impression is you are high in the Devotional element. People who are "not serious" are perhaps high in the transactional element.

    Food for thought.
    Lady Bella

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    1. I am incredibly honored that you placed me in the "devotional" category. I understand that it is only your opinion lady Bella, but your opinion is valuable to me. It is high praise and I appreciate. I also agree.

      None of the other categories are necessarily better or worse. i see it only being a problem if one party was perceiving things as being "devotional", and the other party perceives things as positional or transactional. Someone's feelings are likely to get hurt.

      Thank you so much for taking the time to send your wonderful words.

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