Words of Wisdom and a Beautiful Explanation

 

I get messages often from all sorts of people.  Most of them have a preconceived notion of what "all" submissive men, or "all" dominant women, or "all" WLM marriages are all about because they are experts ... because, you know, the internet.  To some (perhaps many), it's not possible for a masculine, alpha man, who is a leader in every aspect of his life, to also be submissive to his wife.  

One of my favorite Femdom Lifestyle bloggers is Vanessa Chaland at a blog called Queening Chairs - Spanking Benches - BDSM.  She's wonderfully insightful, funny intelligent, and by all accounts seems to have the 'No Bullshit' demeanor that makes many powerful women sexy.  If you don't already look at her blog, you should.  It's wonderful.  

I have struggled with the vague, general language used to describe various people and things in the kink world.  All submissives are this way.  All Dominants are that way.  Etcetera.  On January 4th, she published a blog called Submissive "Suffering"...  In it, she very eloquently explained the benefits of a submissive as well as the difference between a submissive and a simp.  It does a wonderful job of cutting through the bullshit and vague generalities when it comes to submissives, especially submissive men.  Give it a look.

The cut-and-paste version is below.  You can check it out directly on her blog here.  Thank you for permission to share Vanessa Chaland.

Thursday, January 4, 2024

Submissive "Suffering"...

    I can think of no other edifice constructed by man as altruistic as a lighthouse. 

They were built only to serve. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Are submissives an edifice? No, not really, not at all. They are living breathing beings with a soul, aspirations, feelings and emotions, not just a cold stonelike building. Yet still, they "serve" others, and with a certain level of benevolence and altruism right? Yes, yes indeed. 

Not everyone has the desire to serve only themselves, their own wants and desires, that "me/me/me" mentality. Not everyone has the urge to focus their lives on materialistic possessions, greed, or tangible items. For many people, the main thing that matters in life is other human beings. For some, obviously, that could be a parent with child, or caring for family, relatives, or the impoverished, the downtrodden, those without a voice. For some, it might be caring for animals and the planet, or a combination of some or all of the above. 

For some, more akin to a hedonistic lifestyle, it's the happiness and well-being of their spouse, their lover, husband, wife, and that would be applicable to those that are straight, gay, bi, tri, trans, whatever. 

It could mean anything from making sure the eggs and hash-browns they make for breakfast for their "other" are perfectly cooked, to wiping away a tear if that person had a bad day, to a massage, cuddles, hugs, big huge bear hugs, to the more intimate aspects, providing pleasure, oral sex, tongue, more tongue, followed up by a side order of...even more tongue. This might include "suffering" from corporal punishment, being teased and denied, in chastity, blue balls, verbal humiliation, being ordered to engage in what some, perhaps most, would consider degrading acts, whatever it is...it's all done to make their "other" happy, which thereby transfers to their own pleasure and happiness as...they desire to serve. Not sure if this is based on nature or nurture, or a combination of both. I doubt this has ever been appropriately studied, and I'm not sure it could be figured out even if it was, but either way, some people are just wired to serve others.  

 Compersion refers to a form of joy, in the joy of others. 

A lot of people conflate "submissive" with being a "simp". For me, they are not at all the same. A simp is a guy who does anything for a woman, any woman, just to seek her attention and perhaps affection. This is no good. It's not good as...she is not necessarily worthy of that attention. Just being woman, just having a hole between your legs, does not automatically mean being deserving...of anything. Vaginas are ubiquitous. Roughly 50% of Earths population are women, meaning a vagina owner, they are not rare. They are everywhere. 

Don't be a simp guys, ever, period. No woman deserves that treatment...at all. You want the woman that you are "submissive" to, to be appreciative of your efforts and devotion. The reciprocal aspect of this, is her not taking your "suffering" for granted. She knows the how and why you are offering it, why you are doing it, it's a heartwarming gesture and for a dominant woman, a sexual thrill, as opposed to just some random woman taking whatever you offer out of a sense of entitlement and then ignoring you for the rest of her life, forgetting you even exist or what it is you did on her behalf. Huge difference. One is not the same as the other. One is uplifting for you, for the sub, as it elevates your sense of worth and value in making her life better, where it is acknowledged and appreciated, adored, the other is the opposite, it devalues you, reduces you to a "lesser" status, taken for granted, and is not understood nor validates your own worth...as a submissive, as man, or as a human being. You want to "suffer" for a woman? Good, good for you. Just make sure she is worthy of that gift.  :) 

A Good Submissive Man is Not Hard to Find...They Just Need Training.

~ Vanessa Chaland 

I hope you enjoyed her wisdom as much as I did.

I Was Outed in Public

 

You may know by now that I am kept locked in my cage 24/7/365 (mostly), with the exception, of course, of cleaning and shaving.  As with anything that becomes a full-time permanent thing in your life, you get very used to it.  Such is the case with my cage.  

A few days ago, a relative was getting married and the ceremony was decidedly low-key and was held before a Judge in the County Courts building.  We were asked to dress fancy because, after the ceremony, all 12 of us in attendance were going out to dinner.  So ... I put on my best grey suit and rushed out the door with Mistress K. because we were running late.  I caught all the lights on the way there so we arrived plenty early.  As we were walking toward the court building, I realized I left my phone in the car.  "I'll be right back babe", I said as turned back to the parking lot.  When I got to the car, Mistress had texted "IF, if they let you in the building, take the hall on the left."  IF?  What the fuck does IF mean?  Were they locking the place up?

As soon as I got into the building, there it was.  The security checkpoint, with full metal detectors, actual cops, and a TSA-like guy with a metal detector wand standing on the other side, just like at the airport.  OH FUCK, I thought.  My stainless steel cage.  OH FUCK!  Well, I went through the machine a few times and not surprisingly it beeped on me.  The guy with the wand finally waved over to him and started to wand me.  Every time he got near my cock; it went off.  This was my worst dream come true.  I'm here ... and this is all happening. He asked me if I was sure I had emptied my pockets so finally I motioned him over so I could whisper in his ear what was going on.  As matter-of-factly as I could I just quietly told him it was a stainless-steel chastity cage.  He stepped back, looked at me, looked down at my pants, looked at me again, looked at my pants again, and finally said "OK, but how do I know?"  

I pulled the fabric of my very expensive Italian pants so the outline of the Mature Metal Jail Bird cage could be seen.  After seeing that, he looked at me again, smiled, and lightly tapped the wand against the cage, and said "OK, you have a nice day now.", and let me through.  I smiled back and winked.  He told me "You'd be surprised how many of those we run into." and winked back.  As I was gathering my other stuff and putting my belt back on, I could see him telling another agent, a woman, what just happened.  They both giggled and looked over at me.  I just said, "Thank you, and have a nice day." and walked off toward the room where the wedding took place.  

You might have thought that I would be sweating like a whore in church, but I wasn't.  It all just seemed so normalized.  When I told Mistress about it she asked if I was embarrassed.  I told her I wasn't.  That it was even a bit thrilling to be revealed like that in a semi-public scenario.  Then she said ... "Now you know why I said IF you get in.  We both had a chuckle and proceeded to witness the ceremony.  

She's Never Gone There Before, Even In Jest

 

I did tell her exactly that.  In fact I begged her ... and so now, I'm always locked, and the even rarer chances I get to cum are exclusively in my cage.  

I've talked before about how my focus of sexual desire has transferred from my cock to my ass-pussy since being permanently caged.  It took about 2 or 3 months from the beginning for this to occur, and that was 6 months ago.  As a result, I've evolved into a bit of a wanton slut.  I beg for her cock, her fingers, and yes, even her tongue.

Since then, except for a glorious, ruined orgasm I was allowed after a glorious soaking session (here), any orgasm I am or will be allowed, will be while caged, which, in effect, renders them all ruined orgasms.  

This, according to the new rule Mistress K. made shortly after she discovered that I could cum in my cage.  When implementing the cum-only-hen-caged rule, Mistress did say that if I can cum from being fucked in the ass, I could.  I still need to ask for permission, but the answer will be yes, she said.

She'll be the first to admit, Mistress K. enjoys it when I beg for sexy things from her.  I'm not kidding when I tell her that I am "trying to earn her cock" every time she praises me for being a good boy.  

It's been a minute since I was properly fucked by my Wife, so I've been begging a bit lately.  

Well ... yes!  That's what a cock-hungry slave husband does, right?

Anyway ... "She's Never Gone There."  What do I mean?  I mean she has never gone in the direction of ANYTHING resembling having another man involved in our sex.  In any fashion!  In fact, she's gone so far as to tell me that she does not even want to discuss things that many other WLM couples routinely do.  Like cum eating or even cuckolding.  She has been steadfast against any of it.

That is why what she told me this morning shocked me.  I was speechless.  She was in her car on her way to the office and we were talking on the phone.  After we almost concluded our conversation about vanilla stuff, she asked me what I was doing.  

Jokingly, I told her I was about to strap her cock to a chair and sit on it.  Without hesitation, she said, "If you do that, I will force-feed you real cock and make you swallow his cum!" Then said, "Have a nice day." and hung up the phone.  Very matter of fact.  Should I read into this? She's never gone there.  Even in jest.

Mistresses Can Feel Guilty About Being Selfish

Every Wife Led Marriage evolves.  It doesn't matter if it started at his request or hers, they all have a starting point, and if the journey is successful, both the husband but especially the Wife, live a life of bliss and joy together.  

At the beginning of our beautiful WLM journey, Mistress K. was still finding her stride when it came to being a Dominant Wife.  She very easily understood the intellectual concept behind adopting and living in a WLM, and all of the obvious benefits that could (and did) come from it, but it went against her instincts to be "selfish" when it came to me.  

We went from her allowing me to orgasm nearly every time I begged for it, light, barely there spankings for actual punishment, and me being caged very rarely (1 or 2 times a year and only for a few hours or overnight), and then it was only for "serious" punishment.  All of those were like for a variety of reasons, most of them stemming from her concern about my state of mind and fear that I was feeling deprived.

Now?  Now mostly am never allowed to orgasm if I beg, when she spanks me for punishment, it fucking hurts, and I am permanently caged and has zero hesitation demanding from me the things she once thought were selfish.  On the rare occasion where I am allowed an orgasm, it is always while I remain caged, rendering each of them a ruined orgasm.  As a result, our love for each other has never been deeper, our sex life has never been more satisfying and most importantly she genuinely lives a beautiful, blissful, contented life, partly because of her slave husband.  All I ever want for her is a blissful existence, and she lives one. 

Recently I came across a comment on a thread post that is a response to an inquiry and explains the phenomenon of an initially hesitant Dominant Wife.  It comes from my friend @AllAboutHer in a thread he started some time ago called  "My journey has been accelerating", on one of my favorite sites, Evolving Your Man, owned and operated by another friend, the beautiful and talented Miss Emma.  With permission from the author, I'd like to share that passage with you now:

Posted by: @lovemypet  

↑

In the meantime, do you have suggestions for how the woman in an FLR can get past the deep seeded (cultural I believe) duty of always looking to pleasure/satisfy the man without much regard to ourselves?

Reply by:  @allAboutHer

If you believe your woman intellectually accepts the idea of your relationship being woman centered rather than male centered, but still has to contend with deep-seated conditioning and inhibitions, my opinion is that the key is consistency in word, and especially action, on your part.  I took it as my job to normalize this new way of being for her.  My wife has said to me several times that it was really smart for me to set the conditions where she could comfortably asset her dominance rather than expect her to change at the snap of a finger.  This allowed her to come to it gradually, in her own time, by developing new habits and letting go of old ones.  It was much more of an evolution than a revolution.

When it is appropriate, I will remind her that we BOTH like her being in control and we are both pursuing a mutual goal.

I think it was also helpful that I avoided confusion by explaining that I wasn’t proposing a mere shift in balance away from my sexual pleasure to hers.  I proposed an entirely different paradigm where the SOLE purpose of sex in our relationship is her pleasure and this extends to the point that she literally owns my orgasms.  

Slowly, we have progressed to the point where I think we are finally confronting the final vestiges of her wanting to show some deference to my pleasure.  We actually had a great conversation about this the other morning when we were being intimate.  She started the topic of conversation by expressly acknowledging that she loves and appreciates the fact that owns my orgasms, but feels that once she has decided to permit me one, I must have a preference for how she allows it. “What do you like most?  Coming inside me?  When I use my hand?” She asked me.  

“I promise I am not trying to be difficult, but my preference truly is what brings you joy in the moment.  If I know you want to feel me coming inside you, or if you want to watch my cum while you use your hand or instruct me to jerk off for you, or you want to feel the ‘wicked pleasure’ of denying me, then that is what makes it ‘best’ for me.”  

She still seemed a little incredulous.  Then it occurred to me that I had objective evidence to offer. “Don’t you agree that my orgasms, when you permit them, are much more powerful than they used to be before we agreed that sex is for your pleasure?” I asked.

”Oh, absolutely. But isn’t that just from build up because they are less frequent?” she replied.

”Not really,” I said.  “It is because my orgasms are now so much more between my ears than in my penis.  And I know you get that.  How else would you explain the fact that you had an orgasm the other day without being touched simply from teasing and denying me.  That was really hot, by the way,” I added.

She asked me to open my sex tracker app so she could look at the data I have been collecting.  We compared the data from the first few months, when our FLR was new, with the data from the last few months.  The emergence of her preferences was abundantly clear.  In the early records, my orgasms were much more frequent and they substantially outnumbered denials.  Back then it was common for me to cum inside her during PIV.  She also occasionally instructed me to “take her” in a dominant fashion.  

As things are now, she prefers to allow me cum inside her about once a month, at most, and it has been more than a year and a half since she wanted me to “take her.”  My number of orgasms has easily been reduced by 50% and they are substantially exceeded by the number of denials.  The ratio of our orgasms had gone from 3 to 1 in my favor, to 3 to 1 in her favor, to the “new normal” of five orgasms for her for each one I have.

So, in a nutshell: patience, consistency, and communication.

I Really Want Your Cock

 

After a nice holiday dinner out with friends, where the wine and cocktails were flowing, Mistress K. and I arrived home around 10:30.  On the drive home, Mistress said "You'll be fine. When we get home, you will remove your clothes, you will insert your butt plug and you will put on your strapon, and you're going to fuck me.  This was just seconds after I had told her that I was having a 'grumbly tummy' from the wine and the rich food.  I knew right then that the "you'll be fine" meant I had better find a way to answer the bell.  My immediate response, of course, was "Of course Mistress".  

Once in the house I got busy getting everything ready.  Mistress was wanting to be fucked and fucked good.  A little splash of cold water on my face and I was ready to meet the challenge.  I was still dressed in the bedroom, gathering the equipment I was ordered to use, when she walked into the room.  "Hmmm, I see you are not properly prepared", she said.  "Put everything in your hands on the dresser and get undressed, right now!"

She turned me toward the bed, walked me over, and bent over the bed.  She proceeded to paddle my bottom with the most ferocious paddle she had.  It's a plastic pickleball paddle and it hurts like fuck!

When Mistress K. has had a few drinks, not only does she get really horny, but she can get a tiny bit sadistic.  She has deep desire to inflict and sometimes, feel pain.  She had a few drinks.  She paddled my ass with purpose ... and it hurt like fuck!

She bent over to whisper in my ear, and while rubbing my freshly paddled bottom, she said "I changed my mind about your butt plug.  You won't need it.  I've decided instead that one of my 'boyfriends' is going to fuck you tonight.  Her boyfriends are the various dildos she can choose from for me to wear in the strappy harness.  "Go over and pick out the one you want to fuck you."  There are five of them.  I picked the smallest one pictured above and handed it to her.  She spun back around to the bed, bent me over the edge, used her feet to kick my ankles apart, and said "don't move".  With one of her boyfriends in hand, she disappeared into the bathroom.  When she returned, she smeared cold lube all over my man pussy, pressed the tip of her boyfriend's cock at my opening, and eased it inside.  

She was fucking me with her boyfriend-cock held firmly in her hand. I was able to accommodate her cock and in no time, I was feeling like a cock-hungry slut getting railed by a nice cock.  Falling deeper and deeper into subspace, wondering if she was going to fuck me until I was able to cum in my cage.  I didn't.  After a good 15-20 minutes, she stopped, took my hand, and placed it on the cock in my ass, balls deep (this model of her boyfriend had balls too), and said "Do not let that fall out."  

She was ready to be the one getting fucked.  She handed to me and helped me into a pair of red thong panties to help keep the cock in my ass from falling out.  She helped me get the strapon on and affixed it securely over my cage and went to the bed and got on all fours.  "Come here and fucked your Mistress."

I fucked her hard and long until she was worn out.  All the while she kept asking me how it felt to have a cock in my ass, balls deep, while she was having orgasm after orgasm.  When she finally had enough, and she was lying there recovering, she called me over and asked me again.  "How did you like having a cock in your ass while you were fucking me?  It was almost like I was fucking you while you were fucking me. I'm really glad I have my different boyfriends.", she said.  I could only respond by telling how amazing she looked being an insatiable slut.  It was amazing.  "I'm glad you enjoyed it.  Now clean all of this up and come to bed."  "Yes Mistress", I said, and "thank you for having me as your slave husband."

Did I cum?  No, but perhaps another time.

By the time I finished cleaning up, she was fast asleep looking like the Goddess Queen she is.

Bits & Pieces / A Few Random and Wonderful Occurrences

 

Meet me for dinner:

This is what a cock looks like when it tries to get hard in a cage.  More on that in a second.  

On Tuesday night, Mistress was out running errands and as dinner approached, she decided we'd be eating at a local Italian joint that we like by the house.  She just pulled, got a table for two and called me to tell summon me to the table.  She didn't ask.  She didn't wonder if it was what I wanted to do for dinner.  She just ordered me to be there.  (I love that!).  She had decided what I was going to be eating, ordered it and it was waiting for me when I arrived.  

She said she wanted to catch up and review our WLM components of our wonderful love affair.  Not knowing what she had on her mind, I settled in and listened.  She proceeded to tell me how pleased and joyful she was with her life, her marriage, and our lifestyle and that she has noticed my efforts to make her life as blissful as possible.  She went on to tell me that has found a great amount of comfort in not feeling guilty or feeling bad about not worrying about what pleasures I might have on my mind while being able to fully indulge in what makes her happy.  She wanted me to know that she loves her blissful life and now better understands that my bliss and joy come from being her slave and by in service to her ... no matter how important or mundane it might be.  

I immediately got hard (well tried, like in the picture.  It's even the same cage I have).  My attempt at an erection in the cage had nothing to do with any sexual thoughts of her or any sexual act she would have me perform.  No.  It was solely from the pride I felt in being able to accomplish, at least for now, what we set out to achieve when we started the Domme/subslave part of our marriage nearly 12 years ago.  It was a "love boner".  I get love boners from merely wallowing the feelings of my love for her.  To hear her tell me how pleased she is in her life, and with me, gave me a love boner.  

Mistress, can you help me with this:

I have a cut on the back of my arm that requires a bandage.  Nothing big and it's healing nicely, but still needs a bandage.  It's in a place that I can't get to myself, so Mistress has been my nurse on this one.  The bandage needed to be replaced.  She had been out with a girlfriend at happy hour, had been home for about 30 minutes, and was in a playful mood.  Wine was involved.  

She came up behind to help but instead, started to molest me with her hands and started grinding on my bottom like she was fucking me.  She pulled my shorts to the floor and continued mock fucking me for a few minutes.  then, off comes my shirt and I am only wearing my cage.  She spins me around and takes a firm grasp of her cock and balls that are, of course, securely caged.  She reminds me how happy it makes her to "own this cock" and that it is always under lock and key.  

She pulls herself close to me, starts deep kissing me, and goes to my ass with her hands.  Lightly running her fingers up and down the crack of my ass then spreading my cheeks apart to fully expose my bottom.  She said something about how this is how she would present me to others and about how she knows that my sex cravings have switched focus from my now permanently locked cock, to having my 'mangina' filled with cock.  Which is true.  I beg her for her cock.

She kept filling my ears with naughty talk and calling me her slut.  In no time, there I was, naked, exposed, and trying desperately to entice her to give me her cock, or for that matter, the cock of anyone else that she invited into the room.  I was deep in subspace being teased, subjugated, and used in this way for her enjoyment.  A few minutes later her phone rang, and she abruptly stopped.  "All done here" is all she said as she made her way over to the phone, knowing it was one of our kids calling.

Come See Me:

I get up early in the morning, like 5ish.  Mistress likes to sleep until 9ish.  When she is awake, I am usually in my office at the house working.  She will call me when she wants her coffee delivered.  This morning, Mistress called me at 5:30am, which she never does.  "Come see me" was the groggy voice I heard on the other end.  "Yes Mistress, right away. Is everything OK?"  Click ... rather than answer she hung up.  

Not knowing what she needed and worried something was wrong, I hustled in there.  She moved the covers off her body to reveal her beautiful ass and simply said  "Spank me! Not too hard but not too soft either.  Figure it out."  I proceeded to spank her beautiful lily-white bottom for about 6 or 7 minutes straight.  Not too hard, but definitely not soft and it turned her ass into a beautiful shade of deep red.  "That's enough." she said, pulled the covers back over her body, and sent me off to fetch her coffee.  

Where did that come from?  Every so often Mistress likes to play the sub role, but this was immediately upon waking and her need for it was a little intense.  I can't wait until she wakes up so I can ask her what prompted that.

These were just a few random occurrences that were just so fucking awesome.  Thanksgiving is over, and we don't have house guests.  After hearing about the deep state of bliss that Mistress feels in her life currently, I'm hoping for similar never-ending random occurrences

Soaking Ruined

Soaking Ruined Orgasm

Soaking, which is something I learned about soaking from my friend Emma's of Evolving Your Man fame.  You can find her blog post here.  It's also something I've blogged about before here. Soaking is intensely wonderful and beautiful.  Just a week ago, it was the morning of my departure for a planned golf getaway trip with my buddies.  The night before, Mistress K. informed me that we would be having "just about to leave sex" in the morning before my buddy came by to pick me up.  I was required to be cageless when I woke in the morning, which meant I was required to remove the cage immediately before falling asleep.  No sooner. Thems the rules!  A few hours later I asked for permission to enter her bed (not required to ask, I just sometimes do), uncaged and unfamiliar with the feeling of being uncaged.

When she awoke in the morning, I delivered her steaming hot cup of coffee bedside, as I am required to do every morning. Standing there naked (another requirement when there are no guests in the house) and fully erect, she took the coffee, played with my hard cock and balls, and abruptly told me to leave her with her coffee and to wait to be summoned.  

An excruciatingly long 45 minutes later I was summoned.  "You're treat before you leave will be soaking.  But first, you're going to watch me masturbate.  Get the vibrator."  I handed it to her, was instructed to lie beside her (so she could smell me) while she masturbated to 5, count them, 5 incredible orgasms, the last one sending her into a 10-minute, post-orgasm "coma".  Then she rolled onto her back and spread her legs.  "Soak" was the only word that came out of her mouth.  Then she asked if I wanted to soak with her doggy-style or missionary.  I will always choose missionary because I LOVE the intimacy of looking into her eyes and being able to smell her neck.

The soaking rules (ours anyway) require a few things.  No thrusting whatsoever (not even a little) and if my erection is lost, the soaking is over.  Soaking takes me to deep subspace so losing my erection has never been the reason soaking has ended.  Not thrusting?  Well, that's a challenge for reasons I think would be obvious.  I moved while inside her, and she promptly reminded me with her paddle that she has at her side when she allows me to soak, for this very reason.  With time running out before I was to be picked up for my trip. she said ... "I will allow you to ruin on my tummy using my pussy."  This is my favorite way to experience a ruined orgasm, but also the trickiest way to execute because there is a very narrow window at the edge of orgasm that will allow time to pull out and then ejaculate but not orgasm, because once it's out, it's not allowed back in. Of course, if I wait too long, I risk cumming inside her, which is a far worse fate because of the severe spanking punishment that would immediately follow.

I was moderately successful at my task of giving myself a ruined orgasm using her pussy, and I ended with a kind of ruined orgasm by pulling out a tiny bit early.  She said "I'm sorry that wasn't as good as it could've been before your trip, my love.  Now clean up this mess and you'd better get ready."

What an awesome send-off for my trip.  Fuck, do I love my Wife.